if i’m being honest about the holidays…
If I’m being honest:
It’s that time of year when the excitement of families everywhere is inescapable…the parents & grandparents stand in line with their little ones waiting for pictures with Santa.
Last year I felt like my boys & I were watching it all happen through a foggy, blurred window since it was our first Christmas as a family of 3. I smiled and hid my sadness. I felt like I existed in a liminal space around happy families, never sure if finding the same joy they have is possible or even acceptable again. It’s a time where our ♥️ hearts and home are lit up to celebrate the cheer of the season and as a single mom, I didn’t know where the darkness of my feelings fit within it. Christmas was a reminder of feelings of failure in regards to not being able to provide what other children receive—an intact, unbroken family together rushing to unwrap the presents under the tree Christmas morning.
Fortunately for me I realized earlier this year that my own sadness was entirely due to the fact that I was expecting the holidays to look like what I once thought they should look like and had been before, rather than embracing the beauty of what they already ARE!
The impact on the boys and I from the trauma of our divorce, custody battle, losing the family we always celebrated holidays with and moving homes and schools was debilitating. My oldest lost his “Dad” of 8 years and had to witness quickly being replaced by someone who was a family friends son who is now living in his dads old house. His toys, his bedroom, his dog-most importantly his dad. Two brothers now forced to spend time apart, time away from his Bubba. It’s been heartbreaking but against all odds, we’ve come out closer, stronger, smarter and quite graceful. This Holiday season we’ve been given the gift of perspective.
While I might be a divorced single mom this holiday without my boys, I’ve embraced our free, unstructured joy. After all, It was my choice and I should’ve left long before but I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and it has lead us to where we are today. For that I am thankful. I believe the saying, “It’s easier to raise strong men then fix broken one’s.” As their mother that’s the one job that I will not fail at.
I normally wouldn’t share this with all of you but there might be someone out there that needs to read this and know that we can overcome anything we put our minds to. I’m a #2 on the enneagram and it’s described perfectly in Ian Morgan Caron’s book “The Road Back to You.” During the hardest times where I mostly worried about my kids I was constantly reminded by my friends, family and counselor that kids are resilient, they will be fine-they are right.
A little information regarding #2’s, or The Helpers. “Pride is the deadly sin of the Helpers. We tend to focus on the needs of others while giving the impression we have no needs of our own. We have almost a supernatural gift for detecting what others need and a seemingly unlimited supply of time, energy and talent to rescue them. We rarely ask for help and we don’t know how to receive it when it’s offered. Often times we believe that we live in a world in which we are needed before you can be loved.” I have the gift of making people feel safe, like home- and sometimes almost like I’m psychic. I can sense what other people are feeling without asking any questions. It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time.
It’s not what we have in life it’s who we have in it. God, my kids, our home, family, friends and my dream job…what a beautiful life we have! Thank you to EVERYONE-past, present and future that has supported and loved us!
#mentalwellness #narcissist #happilysingle #boymom #goodbye2020 #counseling #mystory #survivor #happilydivorced
