Co-parenting with a narcissist
Is it just me or does the term “Co-Parent” seem appropriate when dealing with a narcissist? Co-Parent implies that there is some sort of cooperation between two people that work together and there is NOTHING “co” when in this situation. So the question is,“How the hell do I maintain healthy boundaries while trying to keep my children safe and shielded from this heinous personality?”
The hardest (and most expensive) thing for me to realize and really, really deep down understand is that a narcissist is never going to change. After thousands of $’s spent in counseling and an endless amount of lessons learned it finally clicked in my head. I’m a fixer, I always have been which is probably why I ended up in the relationships that weren’t healthy for me but that’s a story to be told a different day. I’m not proud to admit it but I was the biggest hypocrite for many years. I was unhappy with myself, my relationship, my job….literally everything. I got to the point where I knew I had to work on myself and change my ways before I could even attempt trying to have a healthy relationship with anyone including my children. Once I managed that, I started asking myself if the things that I was getting so worked up over were going to matter 5 minutes from now, or 5 years from now? Was it worth it to get worked up if my son missed a baseball practice or wore mismatched clothes to school while with the narccisst? No. If it was 5 minutes I simply (over time) learned to let it go and move on even if that means taking the blame for something I didn’t do. Eventually I realized that my life became more simplified and less chaotic.
The Parenting Plan Goal
Have as little contact and communication as possible! Make a binder Bible where you keep everything that relates to your kids and the custody agreement. I’ve had to go to court several times and it’s super helpful to have everything printed and in one location for not only you but your attorney as well. You can keep screenshots in an album but when it comes to sharing that information with your attorney they prefer it organized and in order. Not to mention it can save you tons of money so you aren’t sending them things periodically and they will LOVE you for it. Make sure you have a yearly calendar printed and go through and highlight all of the dates that your children will be with the other parent for the entire year. This will make it easier for you to plan vacations and set up any communication for when they are away from you for an extended period of time. For example, if they are with the narcissist during the summer figure out a day and time that you can call while they are with them so your children still have access to you and have comfort knowing that they will get to talk to you. I use Our Family Wizard which was ordered by the court and it’s worked out great; just remember that everything you write can be used in court so govern yourself accordingly. Record EVERY phone call or Facetime with them, including security camera footage. Keep these items on a flash drive secured safely in your binder.
Document, Document, Document (continued from the Plan)
Narcissist are the worlds best at sending a carefully curated message in such a way that they know it’s likely to cause a huge emotional reaction. Don’t do it! Remember they know what pushes your buttons and a reaction is what they want. In your bindle Bible keep everything from what time they pick up/drop off, how often they request a schedule change or give up time, social media posts if there is ever any alcohol/guns/drugs in the photo or any rants of violence or anger from them or their family members that your children are exposed to, kids moods before/after their possession, what they share that they did at the other parents house. I promise you, it matters. If your children are on the extended possession schedule that means they are with them the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. If the narcissist is dating or living with someone it could be beneficial to know if the significant other is always there when the children are. A divorce or separation from a parent is one of the hardest things for a child to experience. I highly suggest finding a good counselor for your children to talk to often. Both of my boys and I speak to ours monthly and if there is ever a difficult conversation I need to have with the other parent she does a joint session which has been helpful in keeping the tension at a minimum. This is helpful if you do have to go to court they can speak on the child’s behalf and most importantly they need to feel safe talking to a non biased party. The judge won’t take into account the “he said, she said” from both parents but they will listen to what the psychologist has to say…they are the voice for your children. Keep track of child support payments, any medical charges and reimbursements, parent teacher conferences and if they attended them. Remember, it’s not your job to remind them of your children’s school/sports activities. They have access to the same information as you and they should be receiving the school correspondence as well. I failed miserably at this. Why? Has your child been super excited about a book fair that they want you to attend or a school play or field day? Has your child been let down because of the narcissist parent forgot or had some other reason that came up last minute that prevented them from coming? Mine has and let me tell you…when I see those big crocodile tears fall down my sweet sons face it KILLS me and I can’t do anything about it other than love them and be there to support them. Don’t put the other parent down in front of them, they’ll figure it out on their own as they get older. That pedestal that they once sat on will slowly fade, they will want to call the narcissist parent less and things will get better in your own household.
Overall
You do not need to try to be best friends with the other parent. All you need to do to be an effective co-parent is be respectful, communicative and decent. Keep the dialogue business like and professional. Remember that narcissists won’t change but it’s possibly to create healthy boundaries that will cause them to be contained which makes the relationship more manageable. Work on yourself, stop worrying about what they are doing when you don’t have the kids and don’t go out of your way to get “dirt”. Been there, done that…it’s not healthy for your mental health and that means they still have that control over you. Narcissists hate seeing the other parent happy. They portray that they are happier than ever and have a perfect life when the fact is, it’s a total shit show. I feel like I’ve vomited enough about dealing with a narcissist on here today so I’m going to end it here.
If you would like to know more of my personal experiences, Bible binder and lessons learned don’t hesitate to reach out! Praying for anyone out there who has to deal with someone like this.
